Words have the power to energize or kill motivation.

Think about this for a moment...

If other people told you the things you say to yourself, how long would you listen to them?

When I ask my students this question, the answer is always -- "Not very long."

The point here is this...

1. We limit ourselves with "stop" words.
2. We put ourselves down with "mean" words.
3. We set ourselves up with "accusing" words.

STAYING STUCK

Stop words

These are words YOU use that leave you feeling anxious, unmotivated, unexcited, and turned off.

What the brain hears is more important than the words you use.

One example of a "Stop" word is..

"can't"

What you say:

"I can't"

• lose weight,
• start exercising,
• ask Mary out on a date,
• ask the boss for a raise,
• learn a new language,
• get my finances in order

What your brain hears:

It is impossible for me to..

• lose weight
• start exercising
• ask Mary out on a date
• ask the boss for a raise
• learn a new language
• get my finances in order

What you feel:

• discouraged
• inadequate
• anxious
• unmotivated

You are stuck.

Another example of a "stop" word is...

"have to"

What you say..

"I have to... XYZ."

What your brain hears...

• must do
• have no choice
• being forced to

You react by being resistive and digging in your heels.

What you feel:

• unmotivated
• resistive
• forced

You are stuck.

Stop words lead to the following results:

*You do nothing.

*You make up excuses to justify doing nothing.

*You will feel anxious, discouraged, unmotivated, inadequate.

*You are stuck.

Whatever you tell yourself that has strong feelings attached to it, you believe as true and do not question.

You will not get anything done, pursue any goal, change any habit, or effectively pursue any project when you are feeling unmotivated, unexcited, and turned off.

This is why "Can't" and "Have to" create feelings which will stop you in your tracks every time.

GETTING MOTIVATED Go words

These are words that YOU use that lead you to feel motivated, encouraged, energized and excited.

"Can" and "choose" are go words.

What you say:

"I can." Or "I choose to."

What your brain hears:

• I have the ability to..
• This project is doable.
• This goal is attainable.
• I am in control.
• I have options.

What you feel:

• motivated
• encouraged
• energized
• excited

You are motivated on moving forward.

"Go" words, or words of power, lead to the following results:

* You begin to look for ways to start the project.

* You find reasons to undertake the task facing you.

* You will feel empowered, encouraged, energized, excited and motivated.

* You are moving forward.

If you want more motivation, pay more attention to the words you say to yourself.

The power of words.

There is a quote from an unknown author that I have adapted (bold)..

• Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.
• Be careful of your words, for your words become your feelings..
• Be careful of your feelings, for your feelings become your actions..
• Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits..
• Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character..
• Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.

Here is one other quote..

"Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world... as in being able to remake ourselves."

(Mahatma Ghandi)

The power of words comes from feelings.

You can use your emotions as tools to apply this power to change your life.

Four Antianxiety Techniques for Dealing with Anxiety

Emotions as Tools Model

Anxiety is a future based emotion. It is looking into the future with a sense of dread.

Anxiety is worrying about an event that might happen.

(While failing to see the possibility that it might not occur.)

The message of anxiety (what your feelings tell you about how you perceive what is happening to you at the moment) is that you believe there MAY be a threat facing you that might cause you great harm.

Anxiety is “what if” on steroids!

Anxiety can …

· stop you in our tracks from taking action

· overwhelm you with feelings of dread, shortness of breath, or agitation

· keep you awake at night

· make it difficult to think straight or make decisions.

This is the DISTRESS side of anxiety.

Example:

A colleague of mine who is responsible for maintaining a website became very anxious when his home network was running very slow. He knew he needed to upload some information that was time sensitive. He started to “catastrophise”. And, he was very distressed.

(Catastrophising is when you think about the worst possible outcome in your situation and react as-if that outcome is an absolute certainty.)

In his mind, he ONLY saw the following scenario..

What if I fail to meet his deadline?

My reputation as a copywriter will be damaged.

My future business will suffer.

I won’t be able to get any more work.

Reacting as-if this future was certain to happen, he became even more anxious, distressed, and unable to think straight.

His anxiety blinded him to the following information..

· He had other options for completing his job.

· The deadline was not “set in concrete”.

· Even if he didn’t meet the immediate deadline, his reputation was solid and would not have been severely impacted.

In what ways do you catastrophise when facing a situation about which you become anxious such as..

Asking for a raise at work

Needing to change jobs because of unacceptable circumstances at work

Needing to talk to your spouse about finances, unacceptable habits, or other topic

Needing to learn to give a speech in order to advance at work, hold a volunteer office, etc.

Wanting to ask someone out on a date (perhaps, you are post-divorce and back in the “market”)

Using anxiety as a tool.

The key is to RESPOND (not to react) to your anxiety.

1. View your anxiety as a messenger telling you that action may be needed.

2. Use your anxiety as a motivator to take action.

This is the EUSTRESS side of anxiety.

You use your anxiety as a tool when …

· That report is due at work, or at school, and you stay up all night to get it done.

· You are going on vacation in two days and you manage to clear your desk and make arrangements so you can leave without worrying about what happens while you are gone.

· You start a new business, buy a new car, or take out a loan on a house and you read all the documents a second time to make sure that “all the i’s are dotted and all the t’s are crossed”.

FOUR antianxiey techniques for using your emotion as a tool. (V.E.M.A)

I. VALIDATE

Validate (accept) your feelings.

(“I am really anxious right now.”)

The point here is that your anxiety is telling you that you are facing a big challenge and must prepare for it.

Accepting (validating) your feeling opens you up to the opportunity to examine your anxiety and benefit from its message.

II. EXAMINE

Use your anxiety as a wake-up call to examine the “reality” of the threat.

Ask yourself these questions:

· What is the “threat” that I’m facing?

(In the above example, the threat is the slow internet connection which was preventing my colleague from uploading his information. The threat was real. It was not catastrophic.)

· How important is for me to eliminate the threat and get the “job” done?

(If the “job” is very important, then you will need to figure out a plan of action. If the “job” is not really that important, then choose to let the feelings go and move on.)

· What do I need now and what skills, knowledge and experiences can I call upon to move forward?

(My colleague needed a network connection. With his focus on solutions, he realized that he could borrow a network at a friend’s house or Starbucks.)

The point is that you have knowledge and resources upon which you can draw to help you move forward.

Your anxiety, if not used as a tool, can distract you from seeing these resources.

III. MOTIVATE

Use your anxiety as a motivator to charge up your creative juices and push you to making plans to use the resources you have or will develop.

(“I can use all this nervous energy as motivation to get this “project” back on track.)

IV. ACT

Take action, NOW.

Answer these four questions...

1. I validate my feelings... Yes No
2. I examine the "reality" of the threat that may exist.. Yes No
3. I use my anxiety as a motivator.. Yes No
4. I am taking action on what I have learned... Yes No

If you answered "no" to any of the above, or you have any questions, please post a comment.

Ed Daube,Ph.D., The Emotions Doctor

What is in it for you (to use emotions as tools)?

What is in it for you (to use your emotions as tools)?

We all have emotions.

Most of us get tripped up by our feelings at one time or another and say, or do something, we later regret.

I know I have.

Just today, I was trying to order tickets to a concert at Disney Hall. I found myself getting very stressed.

Here is what I expected to happen:
• There would be a box into which I could enter my my information.
• A click would take me to a shopping cart.
• I would enter my credit card.
• I would click ok.
• The seats would be mine.

Here is what happened..

• There was no box into which I could enter anything.
• When I clicked on the “contact” button, I was taken back to the same screen I was on.
• When I called a phone number for Disney Hall, I got a recording directing me back to the same useless internet site.
• I was caught in cyberspace hell.

I got stressed...


Had I used my emotions as tools, I would have realized immediately that I was getting stressed and stopped what I was doing until I could reconsider what I was experiencing.

The message of stress is that expectations do not equal reality. This exactly describes what was happening to me.

The solution to stress is to bring expectations in line with reality. The reality is that Disney Concert Hall has a terrible website that is not intuitive or easy to navigate. Acknowledging this, I could have adjusted my expectations and reduced my stress.

I got angry..

At one point, as I was talking unkindly to the Disney website, my wife said to me, “I had no trouble ordering tickets.”, I raised my voice, used some inappropriate language (not at her), and gave up on ordering any tickets.

When my wife made her comment, I got angry.
The message of anger is that I perceived a threat that I believed I could overcome by throwing enough power at it. The threat was to my intelligence and to my ego. The power I threw at the threat was my language.

Before I became more adept at using my emotions as tools, I might have let my anger get the better of me and cussed out my wife.

Of course, there was no threat and no force was needed.

When I took a short break and calmed myself down, I calmly requested some help.

What is in it for you?

So if you ever find yourself getting stressed or angry, you can begin to use your emotions to help you realize what is happening to you and then use the information you have to make better decisions and avoid doing something that you later wish you had avoided.

Questions or comments:

Clearly, I am still learning to use my emotions as tools. I welcome any comments you may have about emotions in general or your emotions in particular.

This blog is a forum for any issues involving feelings.

Please write about any situations you may have experienced or witnessed in which you (or someone elce) reacted to their emotions and did things they later regretted. Also, please ask any questions you may have about emotions. I will answer as many questions as I can in future entries.

Welcome to my blog.

Welcome.

I am Ed Daube, The Emotons Doctor, and I am glad you made it to my blog.

I set up this site for three reasons:

1. I want to share important information about emotions with anyone who would like to gain control over their lives instead of trying to control their emotions.

2. I wanted to give people a forum where they could ask, and get some answers to, their questions about emotions.

3. I hope that we can build a community of people interested in the subject of emotions who can use this space as their forum.

If you have questions about emotions you would like to have answered, please post them for me. I can't promise to answer all questions, but I will attempt to answer as many as I can.

Ed, The Emotions Doctor